Update

Haha I don't know what to write I am just glad I found these old posts of mine :)

Nightmares

Awakened from A terrible scream,

Merely to find I'm still in A dream,

Down A dark hall in an old house,

Holding A knife blood on my blouse,

Can't remember did I kill someone,

Gore all around what have I done,

The end of the hall there's A red door,

Body lying next to it on the floor,

I seize my head there's too much pain,

Can't remember the face or the name,

The body's mangled I think its A man,

Face is distorted gun in his hand,

I open the door its A pathway to hell,

Jackals are eating the mans entrails,

Kill him I hear and I look for the sound,

Moving away from their feast on the ground,

They lick their mouths at their next meal,

Its A fucking nightmare this can't be real,

lunging at me teeth sunk into my skin,

Gnawing at my flesh I scream out again,

I'M back in the house trembling with fear,

The mans staring at me with an ugly sneer,

He's got A gun pointed at my head,

Wake up you pussy I wasn't dead.

Clarity

My heart is bounded,
aging with limited will,
a vision of change called the hope and restless voices within,
ashes upon my grave will mark my agony,
filled with screams of childish questions,
lost in a maze built inside my pyramid of love,
helpless in a quest to claim that lucid illusion,
revenge for my altered past and feared future,
there with a dead hair on my forehead wishing my eyes could rest in the back of my head,
a dying sound of a coming train is what forms it,
a fragile picture broke the silence,
set them free to invade our gift,
a demon fell from above to steal my turn,
brother say it back to me,
ain't i the closest one?
lover nod your head,
scars of happiness around your pillow,
seek your forgiveness in my words,
take my tongue as i sleep.

Sorry, DC..!!

I don't know how common this is, but for me, the main problem is that I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

I have a few people out there who I care about, or who care about me, but no real intimacy with anyone. Worse yet, this is a long term pattern with me, it's been going on for enough years that it's quite possible I will be feeling this for the rest of my life.

This totally sucks.

I would like to have friends I could be truly close to, someone that I could be emotionally in love with, but I'm psychologically fucked up enough that I don't know how to make this happen other than faking which I became a master of since I realized this issue.

I am sick of faking and I instantly recognize the non faking moments when they rarely happen, but then I would already have used the preferences of a fake moment that includes but not limited to the shape of face and tone of voice and even a teardrop if the situation required it.

But in the end, is there any way to have meaning in your life when you're disconnected from everyone?

I really don't think so.

Expectations

Doublethink is defined as: “The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them”.

This is mainly why I am here.

I am trying to hold one of the thoughts generators residing in my head right here as an attempt to be more clear and direct about what I think and how I feel in general.

This confusion has spread all over my brain like a tumor, it’s like I am becoming unsure of what I want and what I need regarding everything around me. Music, movies, people, jobs, religion, appearance, and the list goes on and on.

I expect this to be a mess to be honest. I may write a long post about how much I hate dogs someday, and then negate that in a different post different day. Back in college, my roommate once wrote on the wall “S.S.D.D” which he explained later that it summarizes our lives at that time.

“Same Shit, Different Day”

Likewise, I want to have the “same” flow of thoughts that leads me to the “same” conclusion anytime I think about something. Sounds easy for you eh? lucky bastards.